Love my woman, love my baby, love my biscuits sopped in gravy.

Friday, October 10, 2003

Arnold will be governor soon, and that means that things are going to change in Sacramento. The first thing he'll do is reverse a big car tax, but the next thing he'll do is start signing death warrants. Then instead of letting the bad guys sit on death row for decades, he'll carry out the sentences himself, complete with movie crews. Think of what this will mean for his movie career in four years. It's really something to look forward to. No need to hire actors for the bad guy roles anymore, he'll just set up a convict and mow him down with machine guns. The realism in movies is going up a notch. Running Man 2 will be a great flick to catch, as Arnold takes over the Richard Dawson role as game show host -- a kind of wicked Bob Barker. Efficiency in government and entertainment. It should be fun to watch.

Friday, October 03, 2003

Jessica Fletcher is a murderess.

Every week, no matter where she goes, a person is killed. She lives in Cabot Cove, somewhere in New England, where Murder lurks around every maple tree.

She has several aliases, but her full name is Jessica Beatrice 'J.B' McGill Fletcher.

She's violent, but she's creative, too. She clobbers people, shoots them, and poisons them. Her creativity doesn't end with the way she offs people, but how she gets away with it as well.

Not only does she fabricate stories that people believe, but she manages to put them in writing and make a nice living as a best selling murder mystery novelist. Every time I've seen her, someone will ask her if she's looking for a new subject for a book, and every time she shakes her head until her wrinkles sway, then bats her big blue cataracts and shuffles off to the next scene.

Her main accomplice is Mr. Cunningham, who tries to disguise his voice with a strange New England accent. Everyone seems to buy it, too, but tell me this: How does a person from Detroit get a New England accent? Obviously it's affected. Also, Mr. C was in Hardware, not Law Enforcement. In fact, I can't prove this, but I think he had something to do with the murder of her husband.

Some of the people she's framed you might know, too. In just the last month she set up Father Mulcahy and Mrs. Walton. I saw Joanie Cunningham around her dad once, and they acted like they didn't even know each other.

If you see Jessica Fletcher, please realize that she probably wants to kill you or frame you for murder.

Just a warning. Look out for her.

Pedestrian falls, dies when Fort Lauderdale bridge opens:

By Jaime Hernandez
Staff Writer

October 3, 2003

FORT LAUDERDALE - A woman walking across the Sunrise Boulevard drawbridge was killed Thursday night when the bridge opened and she fell from the metal span to the concrete sidewalk, police said.

The bridge tender told police he did not see the woman on the Intracoastal Waterway bridge before the span was raised, Fort Lauderdale police Detective Clinton Ward said.

Ward said a witness saw the woman hanging from a railing, but she was unable to hold on.

This is the third time since 1988 that someone on the span has been killed when the bridge was opening."

Third time? Maybe they need a new bridge tender. My bets are it's Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote. That old lady killed a dude a week for years.

This is the blog. I don't know if I'll use it or update it frequently. These really annoy me but on occasion, I read others because there is a grain of something interesting in it. Usually the people who write these are narcissistic nincompoops, and they have nothing to say. Everyone wants to be famous so they create a blog of their incredibly dull life, and since it's written, and on the web, they figure they are published and the entire world is reading their garbage. I will buck this trend. I will create the funniest, most clever, creative and ideal blog ever made. Then everyone will read it and I will be the most famous writer ever, and Oprah will make me the next Dr. Phil, and Dr. Phil will be the next Donahue.