Love my woman, love my baby, love my biscuits sopped in gravy.

Friday, October 03, 2003

Jessica Fletcher is a murderess.

Every week, no matter where she goes, a person is killed. She lives in Cabot Cove, somewhere in New England, where Murder lurks around every maple tree.

She has several aliases, but her full name is Jessica Beatrice 'J.B' McGill Fletcher.

She's violent, but she's creative, too. She clobbers people, shoots them, and poisons them. Her creativity doesn't end with the way she offs people, but how she gets away with it as well.

Not only does she fabricate stories that people believe, but she manages to put them in writing and make a nice living as a best selling murder mystery novelist. Every time I've seen her, someone will ask her if she's looking for a new subject for a book, and every time she shakes her head until her wrinkles sway, then bats her big blue cataracts and shuffles off to the next scene.

Her main accomplice is Mr. Cunningham, who tries to disguise his voice with a strange New England accent. Everyone seems to buy it, too, but tell me this: How does a person from Detroit get a New England accent? Obviously it's affected. Also, Mr. C was in Hardware, not Law Enforcement. In fact, I can't prove this, but I think he had something to do with the murder of her husband.

Some of the people she's framed you might know, too. In just the last month she set up Father Mulcahy and Mrs. Walton. I saw Joanie Cunningham around her dad once, and they acted like they didn't even know each other.

If you see Jessica Fletcher, please realize that she probably wants to kill you or frame you for murder.

Just a warning. Look out for her.


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